Palpatine's Dentures
by x Ugly Duckling x
Summary: Humorous AU. The Skywalkers get a little more than they bargained for when "Great Uncle" Palpatine comes to visit for a week. Mishaps with the retired Sith lord's dentures aren't the half of it. Luke and Leia have plenty of shenanigans in store for their guest!
1. Chapter 1: Everyone's favorite uncle

**Palpatine's Dentures**

_Humorous AU. The Skywalkers get a little more than they bargained for when "great-uncle" Palpatine comes to visit for a week. Mishaps with the retired Sith lord's dentures aren't the half of it. Luke and Leia have plenty of shenanigans in store for their guest!_

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_So I just finished a dramatic/romantic SW story and needed a humorous interlude. _

_Expect dry humor. Expect bathroom humor – literally. Above all, brace yourselves. This is a HUGE departure from my usual style. If it scars/scandalizes you for life, I apologize. Try not to disown me or boycott my future work. :P_

_I promise this will be the one & only instance. I just… have to do this._

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**Chapter 1 – Everyone's Favorite Uncle**

_Padmé Amidala's estate at Varykino, Naboo_

Padmé whistled to herself as she rinsed the last of the dishes, letting her mind drift through the open window and across the lake. Along its shore splashed Luke and Leia, squealing and flinging sand at each other as the afternoon sun waned. She glanced at the clock. Just two more hours until _he_ arrived for the week.

"Luke! Leia! Time to come inside and shower!"

The seven-year-old twins heard her and reluctantly trudged back toward the house, dragging their beach towels in protest. _If you're in a bad mood now, just wait til your great uncle shows up_, Padmé pursed her lips_. Whatever possessed your father to invite him, I'll never know_.

The twins had never met the retired Sith lord. Anakin played up the old man's visit for their benefit, but neither seemed entirely sold that a week with a gnarled, raspy-voiced grandpa was half as exciting as Anakin made it sound.

"Luke, did you finish moving your cot into Leia's room?" Padmé asked when they entered the kitchen.

"Not _yet_," Luke whined. "Why do I hafta move in with her? Can't I just sleep in the living room?"

"Your father explained this already. Great Uncle Palpatine often sleepwalks, and we don't want him stumbling into you in the middle of the night," Padmé said matter-of-factly. "You and your sister need to sleep behind a locked door. That's final."

"Why can't we just stick _him_ behind a locked door?"

"Luke!" Padmé was going to admonish him to have respect for his elders, but suddenly realized the ludicrous irony. "He reacts… badly… to being trapped in confined spaces. So unless you want to clean up after his bedwetting, take your cot into Leia's room."

Sighing with exaggerated exasperation, Luke disappeared down the hall behind Leia, who stuck her tongue out at him in victory. Padmé wiped her hands and turned around to find Anakin walking in the door.

"Hello there," Anakin admired her frilly apron before kissing her. "My sweet little maid. Want to go upstairs and –"

"Shh, Anakin! The kids just came in," Padmé hushed. "Besides, it's already 1600 hours. I still have to get dressed and prepare dinner so it's ready when he gets here."

"Sith, is it that late already?" Anakin glared at the clock, then stole another kiss. "Fine then. It'll have to wait. But the twins will never get a new sibling at this rate."

Padmé put both hand on her hips. "_You're_ the one who persuaded our guest to come! This was your idea, so it's your fault if we suffer a few inconveniences."

Anakin smiled sheepishly, accepting the blame. "He lives by himself, Padmé. He gets lonely."

"That's what he gets for trying to take over the galaxy!"

"Have a heart," Anakin begged. "It's just one week. You'll hardly know he's here."

"Fat chance!" Padmé snorted.

"Look, just focus on the preparations, and I'll take care of entertaining him, deal?"

Padmé rolled her eyes. It was too late to cancel this ill-fated reunion anyway. She'd just have to grit her teeth and endure it.

While the twins showered and Anakin prepared Luke's room, she daydreamed over dinner prep. She tried imagining the half-finished, dilapidated palace Anakin said Palpatine had inhabited for seven years. The Sith had it commissioned at the height of his rule, when resources were plenty and his future looked bright. But evidently, his Sith senses couldn't predict his own bankruptcy, which struck when his entire investment portfolio tanked near the Clone War's end. Down the drain went all his illustrious visions of power and conquest, closets full of velvet cloaks, and daily cappuccinos.

Times were lean for the Sith now. Living as a squatter, fending off local law enforcement with Sith lightning whenever they tried to extricate him, eating squirrels and other wildlife and drinking from puddle water… it was a sorry state for sure. And if it were anyone else, Padmé's heart would overflow with compassion. But try as she may, she couldn't muster one ounce for the old bag of bones. Why Anakin still felt some strange paternal connection to him, she'd never understand.

1800 hours came much too quickly for her liking. Setting the casserole dish on the table, she wrung her hands while the family sat and watched the clock. Just when the minute hand clicked into vertical position at the top, the doorbell rang.

And rang. And rang. And rang.

"Geez, once is enough!" Leia scowled, following her parents to the door. "Quit it already! We're coming!"

Padmé shot her daughter one last reproving look before Anakin opened the door. _This week is such a mistake. We're doomed._ Forcing a diplomatic smile – which ended up being a grimace – she prayed she'd be a gracious host to who waited outside.

And who was still ringing that blasted doorbell.

Even when the door opened in front of him, Palpatine was so neurotically obsessed with pressing the button that he didn't notice. He was grinning fiendishly, deriving far more enjoyment from the doorbell than anyone should. Luke and Leia looked at each other and twirled fingers around their ears.

"Palpatine…?" Anakin blinked. He received no response. "PALPATINE!"

"Hah? What?" the old man jumped back as if he'd been shocked by a spark of his own lightning. "Oh! Anakin… I… I need your bathroom… urgently…"

Before any of them could knit their brows in confusion, the Sith plowed his way through and made a beeline for the restroom. The four stared after him in mute surprise.

"How does he know where the bathroom is?" Luke asked after a stunned minute.

Anakin scratched his head. "Uh, Sith senses, I guess."

"I hope you're right Daddy, because none of the bedrooms are locked yet!" Leia raised her eyebrows.

Laughing nervously, Anakin exchanged a mildly panicked look with his wife before running after their guest. Relief washed over him when he found the bathroom door shut.

"Palpatine, are you all right in there?" he rapped on the door.

At first, flatulence and groaning were the only response. But then, barely audible, the Sith spoke.

"You wouldn't believe the inhumanity I suffered on my trip," he moaned. "Every intergalactic rest stop between Coruscant and Naboo was closed for repairs! Every… single… _one!_" he said while grunting. "How is that legal? Have they any idea what that does to an old man's colon?"

Anakin cringed. Padmé had cleaned the bathroom for nothing.

Which she seemed to grasp as she and the twins walked onto the scene.

"Sorry to hear that… do you need anything?" Anakin asked, gulping at Padmé's dark expression.

"Oooooh… Anakin…"

"He sounds like he's pooping bricks!" Luke giggled.

"Anakin… this toilet paper… it's so rough…"

"W-what…?" Anakin floundered.

"It chafes… oooh how it chafes…"

Anakin looked mortified, but the other three members of his family were in stitches. Tears were starting to trickle from Padmé's eyes as she shook with silent laughter.

"Go to the table and eat your dinner," Anakin ordered the children.

"We're not hungry anymore!" Leia laughed hysterically.

"Neither am I!" Padmé concurred.

"Anakin, please… help me…"

Padmé had to clap a hand over her mouth to keep from exploding. "Don't look at me!" she gasped at her bewildered husband. "It's all you! This was all _your_ idea!"

_So it was_, he ran a hand through his hair. The consequences were his alone. _Don't be a coward, Anakin Skywalker. You fought in the Clone Wars for three years._ _ You've changed hundreds of dirty diapers. You can do this._

Drawing upon more courage than he felt, he did his best to ignore the squeals and breathless laughter behind him… and entered the bathroom.

"_Oh, Sith!_"

Beneath the door, Padmé saw Anakin's shadow stumble toward the fan switch.

"Haven't you ever heard of a ventilation fan?" he shouted in disgust.

"Anakin, please! I can't bear to wipe anymore, it's too painful!" Palpatine's voice cracked.

"What do you want me to do, wet a wad of tissues and wipe _for_ you?"

The silence that followed spoke for itself.

"OH, NO!" Anakin yelled. "Not on your life! That's asking TOO much!"

"Take pity on an old invalid! My aching joints can barely reach back there!"

Fearing he might vomit, Anakin began tearing through the bathroom shelves and cabinets, searching desperately for a pair of gloves. He stumbled upon a caddy of old baby items: a rubber ducky, a half-empty bottle of shampoo, and a pair of washcloth mittens. Those would have to do. No sign of gloves anywhere else…

In another stroke of luck, what should he find beneath the mittens but a package of moist baby wipes?

They'd probably dried out over the years, but running them under the faucet would reconstitute them soon enough. It would work. It had to. He needed something tougher than regular tissue.

Only time would tell if these six-year-old wipes were up to the challenge he was about to subject them to. Pulling the pastel yellow mittens up to his wrists, a pair of cross-eyed embroidered ducks stared at him from the backs. He felt morally obligated to cover their eyes.

But neither he nor they would be shielded from the coming horror. Drawing a breath through his mouth, he gripped the tub of baby wipes and turned to the squatting Sith, wishing he was in a Rancor pit instead.

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_So, so wrong. No need to tell me. The idea for the bathroom scene was entirely my husband's. You wouldn't believe the things he comes up with right before bed while brushing our teeth. He waits until my mouth is foaming with toothpaste to make me choke with laughter. _


	2. Chapter 2:Something's rotten at Varykino

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_This chapter features what I like to call "the litany." You'll know when you see it._

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**Palp**** Chapter 2 – Something's Rotten at Varykino**

Breakfast wasn't the cheerful fare it usually was the next morning, and not just because of the stale stench wafting into the kitchen still. Luke and Leia couldn't look up from their plates without finding Palpatine's greedy yellow eyes on them. No, not greedy, _hungry_. He'd barely touched his plate of scrambled eggs, which fed Padmé's culinary insecurities.

"Would you care for some seasoning?" she offered the Sith.

"Hmm, you wouldn't happen to have powdered rodent bone, would you?"

"Um, no," she glanced at Anakin. "I'm afraid we're all out."

"Shame. It goes so well on animal products," he licked his lips. "The genius of nature, all the carnal flavors blended together. A taste I've acquired living on my estate."

"And he blames the _rest stops_ for that fiasco last night!" Padmé murmured to her husband.

Anakin shrugged. "Can we get you something else? A piece of toast or bagel?"

"No, my boy, I'll fetch something here and there," he grinned, revealing the true reason he hadn't yet eaten: his mouth was toothless. His dentures remained to be inserted for the day.

"Well, I thought we'd fish down by the lake this morning," Anakin suggested. "You might catch something edible."

"_Everything_ is edible, if you only know how to cook it!"

It was said with such shrill conviction that all four pairs of eyebrows rose in unison.

"Ooh-kay," Leia shoved the last of her eggs into her mouth. "May Luke and I be excused?"

"Yes, yes," Padmé stood hastily. "You don't have to ask."

As they raced away, Anakin called out, "Do you two want to go fishing with me and Uncle Palpatine?"

"No!" Luke hollered over his shoulder.

"We have homework!"

Anakin looked perplexed. "Homework? In the middle of summer vacation? Their next teacher must be tougher than I thought!"

The twins quarantined themselves in Leia's room until they heard Palpatine's cackling voice disappear. Peeking through the curtains, they confirmed that he and Anakin were indeed headed down to the shore, fishing poles and tackle boxes in hand. Palpatine occasionally stalled their progress by trailing after a chipmunk or rabbit. No sooner would Anakin reorient him when the Sith turned a gluttonous eye to the worms and nightcrawlers in his bait cup.

"He's finally gone," Luke whispered.

"He's so disgusting!" Leia wriggled her fists. "Why does Daddy like him?"

"I don't know. Mom said something about him feeding Dad's ego, whatever that means."

"He better not feed him any of that gross stuff!" Leia screwed up her face.

"Hey, I have an idea. Let's go through his things and see what other gross stuff he has!"

"_Eww!_ Okay!"

Opening the door as quietly as possible, they poked their heads out to scan for Padmé. She was nowhere in sight. Probably in the laundry room, surrounded by the white noise of the washer and dryer. Perfect.

The first door after Leia's was the bathroom. As they tiptoed near it, both pinched their noses.

"It still smells!"

"I can't go in there!"

"But I see his bag on the floor, come on!"

"_You_ pick it up!"

"No, you!"

"Hurry up, before Mom comes back!"

"Fine! You're such a baby!"

They ended up rushing for the bag as if they were tied in a three-legged race. A few bumped elbows later, they dumped the bag in Luke's room where they could finally breathe nasally again.

After the adrenaline rush to snare the bag, having it sitting between them wasn't what they'd hoped. Neither wanted to touch it. What was once supple brown leather was now stripped, cracked and torn, and the whole thing slouched like a mutilated animal. Visions of "_powdered rodent bone"_ flashed unpleasantly in their minds.

They'd come too far to chicken out now. Bravely assuming the role of strong, older brother – albeit older by just a few minutes – Luke swallowed his fear and unsnapped the rusty clasp. He and Leia cautiously leaned over to peer into its open maw.

It wasn't half as frightening as they imagined. Travel-sized toiletries, some of which smelled rather foul, filled one corner of the bag. A comb with most of its teeth missing stabbed Leia in the finger. But it was another soft-sided bag within the pile that caught their attention. Luke unzipped it and dumped the contents on the floor.

Leia picked up the nearest tube and squinted at the label. "I don't know what this says."

"I can't read this one either," Luke frowned.

"Wait, there's something on the back," Leia turned hers over. "Blah, blah, blah… _'cures Sith foot fungus in seven days.' _ Oh my gosh!" laughter made her fingers go limp and she dropped the tube.

"'_Prevents chafing from in - con - ti - nence pads,'_" Luke worked through the syllables. "Sounds nasty to me!"

"I wonder if that's what he wears for bedwetting!"

The siblings giggled shamelessly and kept digging through the pile.

"Look, this one shows yellow goop on a pair of dentures!" Luke slapped his knee. "Gross!"

"Here's one for '_Sith jock itch!_'"

"Butt cream for those red bumps Mom and Dad told us about!"

"Ear and nose hair trimming kit!"

"Anti-gas pills!"

"Stuff to make you go number two!"

"Drops for bloodshot eyes!"

"Ear wax flushing kit!"

"Wart remover!"

"Industrial strength deodorant!"

"Anti-aging cream!"

"A thing that sucks mucus out of your nose!"

"Bikini zone shave gel!"

"Underarm sweat pads!"

"Coupons for adult diapers!"

"Medicine to kill stomach parasites!"

"Head lice treatment!"

"Home waxing kit!"

"Luke and Leia Skywalker, what do you THINK you're doing?"

Their mirth came to a screeching halt. There in the doorway stood Padmé, arms crossed and a fierce scowl on her face.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourselves?"

"I – we – Mom, we were just…" Leia fumbled.

"Just invading his privacy and then some?" Padmé looked down her nose. "I'm ashamed of both of you. He may be eccentric and creepy, but as long as he's our guest, you'll show him basic respect! Haven't your father and I taught you the golden rule?"

"Sorry," they said in unison, hanging their heads.

"As you should be. Now pick this all up and put it back where it belongs."

Satisfied with their expressions of guilt, Padmé turned to pick up the laundry basket she'd set down. But just as she leaned over, something caught her eye.

"Is that a… home waxing kit?" she did a double-take.

Luke stared at the box in his hands, then up at his mother. Her covetous expression made him uncomfortable and uncertain what to do next.

_I've wanted one of those for a while now_, she thought, reaching halfway for it. Then, as if someone slapped her awake, she came to her senses and quickly stood up.

"Never mind!" she hurried down the hall. "Carry on!"

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_Palpatine's income may be limited, but as you can see, he still manages to clear out the entire personal care aisle. Or, only the most embarrassing items in that aisle._

_What better way to exact revenge on someone as evil as Palpatine than to bury him in humiliating gags? Forget throwing him down the Death Star core shaft. This is much more fun!_

_Two more chapters to come!_


	3. Chapter 3: Revenge of the little rascals

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**Chapter 3 – Revenge of the Little Rascals**

As punishment for their rude behavior, Luke and Leia had spent the afternoon stuck in their room. Ironically, and in bitter justice, their only source of entertainment was watching Anakin and Palpatine's antics from afar. The two seemed to be having a grand time, even though Palpatine frequently got tangled in his own fishing line.

The longer they watched the two grown men, the more they hated the older one. They hated him for indirectly getting them in trouble. Adding insult to injury was the fact that he'd monopolized their father's time and attention. Sure, Anakin had invited them to tag along, but he should have known it was a worthless offer. Like they'd have willingly spent time with someone who looked like a scarecrow and ate bugs off tree bark?

"I just saw him catch a dragonfly," Luke mumbled idly, chin resting on the windowsill.

"I'm so hungry _I_ could almost eat one!"

"It has to be almost time for dinner."

"My stomach is starting to digest itself," Leia moaned. "Once we eat, I say we work on sending him home early."

"What do you mean?"

"I have a couple ideas," she conspired, whispering in her brother's ear.

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Padmé suspected nothing when two cherubic faces entered the bathroom to wash for dinner. Neither did she notice the bottle of hot sauce missing from the refrigerator condiments. She only knew she was glad the first full day of Palpatine's visit was coming to an end. One down, six more to go.

At least Anakin had kept his end of the bargain, keeping the old man out of her hair most of the day. The two buddies had caught several fish that were being baked for dinner. Palpatine was also rather proud of having hooked an old boot, which he was smoking on the outdoor grill. He was fiercely possessive of the catch and guarded it by prowling the patio incessantly.

"Is he gonna come inside to eat?" Luke sounded concerned as he watched the Sith from the kitchen window.

Padmé blinked. "You actually _want_ him to?"

"Uh, no, not really… I just… don't want people across the lake to see him. You know, with binoculars or something," he said hastily.

"Oh. I'm sure your father won't let him eat alone. He'll drag him back in, just you wait."

Checking the fish in the oven, Padmé missed the scheming look that passed between her children.

"Why don't you two go ahead and set the table. It won't be long now."

"And while you're at it, bring Palpatine's dentures to his place setting," Anakin decreed. "Mom told me about your little 'visit' to the drug store today. I think one last consequence will make it right."

"It sure will!" Leia whispered gleefully to Luke as they chased each other to the bathroom. Returning with a cup of floating dentures, they set it down ceremoniously next to a glass of what appeared to be apple cider. Luke had poured it just for Palpatine, claiming he wanted to amend for his earlier actions by serving the Sith's favorite beverage.

Anakin wondered how the boy knew it was Palpatine's favorite when _he_ didn't even know. Padmé was skeptical that his favorite wasn't actually pinecone broth. But neither parent wanted to dash Luke's kind gesture, so they said nothing.

Minutes later, in came an ecstatic Palpatine carrying a plate of well-cooked leather. He'd even garnished it with twigs and, by the looks of it, poison ivy.

"Let's eat!" he sat down eagerly. "Nobody touches this plate! Mine! All mine!"

"Um, Palpatine, that's poison ivy…" Anakin pointed to the leaves.

The Sith angrily swatted Anakin's hand away. "Nonsense! Try to scare me away and then take the best food for yourself! I think not!"

Luke and Leia exchanged looks again. Maybe they didn't need a scheme after all. Palpatine might just prank himself out of Varykino before they could.

"Ooh, my dentures! How thoughtful of you!"

Uncapping the tube of denture paste next to the cup, he daintily plucked the top set of teeth from the soaking solution. He hummed merrily while spreading the paste, disregarding the looks of disgust on Padmé and Anakin's faces and that of wicked anticipation on the twins'. In went the top half and he went about priming the bottom set.

All was quiet and unexceptional until five seconds after he inserted the bottom row. Smacking his lips pensively, Palpatine frowned a little. One eye started to twitch. Then the other. His skin turned red from the base of his neck all the way to his hairline.

"HOT! HOT! OH, HAVE MERCY!"

Startled, Anakin and Padmé didn't fully understand what was happening.

"Flush your mouth out with the cider!" Anakin suggested.

Palpatine's chair rattled from his flailing contortions, but somehow he managed to grip his glass with shaking hands. He closed his eyes in anticipation of cool, sweet relief. What he got instead was a mouthful of the most bitter, stinging liquid that had ever passed his lips. And that was saying something.

"SPFFFGGHT!" he spat it onto the floor. "What vile potion IS this?"

Anakin sniffed what was left in the glass and crinkled his nose. "That's not cider. Smells like something from the medicine cabinet!"

"Luke, what did you put in that glass?" Padmé glared at her son.

"And what did you two do to his dentures?" Anakin demanded.

"Nothing…" they looked down at their laps.

"Luke Anakin and Leia Amidala! Don't you dare lie to us!"

"Yeah! I'm a Jedi, remember? I can tell you're lying!" Anakin crossed his arms.

Fidgeting and squirming, the twins were too self-conscious to look up.

"Just some wart remover," Luke confessed first.

"And a little hot sauce in his denture cup and paste," Leia came clean.

"…But it was _half_ cider!"

"…And I only put a teaspoon of sauce in the cup!"

"Both of you, go to your room NOW!" their parents bellowed.

As the chastened duo sulked out of the dining room, Padmé fetched a pitcher of milk and quickly poured a new glass for Palpatine, who was writhing on the floor in agony.

"Drink this! It's just milk, I promise!"

"It had _better_ be!" the Sith hissed, chugging it in three seconds flat. He tossed the empty glass over his shoulder with a soulful sigh. "Bless you. I nearly died."

"We're so sorry about this," she helped him return to his seat.

"Quite the scoundrels you're raising!"

"We've never taught or encouraged them to do such things!"

"Well, if you can't keep them in line, I will!" Palpatine gnawed on a strip of boot. "From now until I leave, they shall wait on me hand and foot!"

Anakin looked as worried as Padmé. "Um, are you sure you want to do that?"

"Of course I am! Someone has to teach those rascals a lesson. A week of indentured servitude will do the trick!"

When Anakin merely surrendered to the Sith's whim, Padmé jabbed him with her elbow.

"Aren't you going to talk him out of it?" she whispered.

"It's no use, he's made up his mind."

"But they'll keep torturing him!"

"Arguing with him is a bad idea when he's this upset, Padmé. His Sith lightning can be as unpredictable as his gas."

Padmé swallowed uneasily. Anakin need say no more.

"Luke, Leia, you little brats! Come back here, Uncle Palpatine wants to talk to you!" Palpatine called out irritably.

Two heads warily poked around the corner. Seeing the Sith beckoning them with an arthritic hand, they stepped forward, knees knocking against each other.

"Now listen up. You think you're so clever. You think you've outwitted me. But you forget I am Darth Sidious, all-powerful Sith and rightful heir of the univer–" his tirade was cut short by a violent coughing fit, which continued for a solid minute until the hacking finally subsided. "Blast, the doctor keeps telling me to quit smoking!"

"_You_ have health coverage?" Anakin asked in surprise.

"Anyone can apply for GalactiCare, you fool!" Palpatine wheezed, regaining his composure. "Although they keep threatening to cut me off. They say, _'You're just wasting our time and yours,'_" he mocked in a sing-song voice. "Whatever. Someday they'll pay for their insolence when my luck finally turns around!"

"It's been seven years since anyone saw a shred of your luck," Padmé had the temerity to say. "I think it's safe to say that ship has sailed."

"Silence! I will have silence when reprimanding these children!" he warbled. "As I was saying, your horseplay will not go unpunished. You two will be my personal servants for the remainder of my stay, and I won't hear one word of complaint!"

Luke and Leia looked at the Sith, then at each other, then at their parents, who were already burying their faces in their hands. No protest from either one. They may as well have handed the twins a license for unlimited tomfoolery, free of consequences.

"Got it, no complaints sir!" Luke stood at attention.

"Glad to be of service!" Leia saluted.

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_Next: the finale!_


	4. Ch4:Sleep tight, don't let the Sith bite

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**Chapter 4 – Sleep tight and don't let the Sith bite**

Palpatine could only demand the twins' service as long as he was awake; his post-dinner nap freed them in more ways than one. Tucking themselves inside Leia's pink play tent, Luke unpacked the junior chemistry set he'd received for their last birthday. Leia held a flashlight over the instruction booklet as she flipped through the pages.

"Have you used this before?" she asked skeptically.

"No, but it can't be that hard," Luke unscrewed a bottle, sniffed it, and quickly replaced the cap. "I'm a grade ahead in science at school."

"But you've never done your _own_ experiment before! Mrs. Nolak isn't here to tell us what to do!"

"Shh, just find a recipe in the booklet."

"I don't think they're called _recipes!_"

"Okay! Just pick one that sounds gross!"

Mumbling to herself, Leia browsed a little longer. "What about this one?" she rotated the page so Luke could read it.

"Perfect!"

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Anakin and Padmé were bent over a pile of bills at the kitchen table when the twins slipped out thirty minutes later. Household chores really were the glue that held the children's plans together. Without those chores, they'd have long been caught by a vigilant parent.

Through the crack in Palpatine's door, they could hear him still snoring. Luke nodded to his sister and they ducked inside, clutching pouches of powder in their fists. Luke knew his way around the furniture even in the gloom. And from their brief yet hilarious episode earlier that morning, he remembered the location of two key belongings of Palpatine's.

The first they encountered was a crumpled pair of pajamas on the toy chest. Wasting no time, Luke untied his bag and shook its contents over the fabric.

"Mmm… who's there?"

The pair froze, petrified. How could they have possibly woken him?

"Is that you… Sy Snootles?"

They both sighed in relief. The Sith was just talking in his sleep.

"Oh, I like that… yes… how you tease me, Sy…" he giggled from the bed.

Luke pinched his sister, who strained a neck muscle keeping her laughter in.

"Who's Sy Snootles?" she whispered, eyes watering.

"I don't know, but we have to find the bottle of sleeping pills. Come on."

To the nightstand they crept, trying to ignore Palpatine's dream-induced ramblings. Luke gingerly felt around for the pill bottle. Upon finding it, he unscrewed the cap ("childproof" was an obsolete concept in a Jedi household) and sprinkled in the remaining powder.

Seconds later, Leia was turning the door handle when they overheard one last utterance from the bed.

"Jabba… oooh Jabba… I could watch you eat frogs all day…"

Bolting from the room before they burst, the mischievous pair ran back to Leia's room and slammed the door, collapsing on each other in hysterics.

"He… dreams… about Jabba the Hutt!" Luke held his sides.

"And _likes_ it!" Leia pounded her fist.

"He keeps getting weirder and weirder!"

"Just wait til he takes those pills!"

"I hope it works!"

A knock on the door made them jump. Thankfully, it was only Padmé, announcing that Palpatine was up from his nap and ready for family game night.

Typically, game night for the Skywalkers was a cheerful event with simple fun and good-natured competition. Not with Great Uncle Palpatine participating. Charades were uncomfortable at best; the Sith chose the most obscure things to imitate, from a rock to road kill, and then threw tantrums when the others couldn't guess.

After several dead-end rounds, Anakin tried to redirect the Sith. "How about a board game? We have several –"

"OH, yes! A board game!" Palpatine scurried to his room, returning with a tattered box. "I almost forgot I brought this! It's my favorite!"

Everyone peered silently at the cover. Within seconds, they all looked ill.

"It's _'Dismemberment!_' You know, the opposite of _'Operation,'_" Palpatine explained excitedly. "We each get mini plastic lightsabers to chop off –"

"Good heavens, look at the time!" Padmé suddenly blurted. "Bedtime already!"

"Eh? It's only 1900 hours," he squinted at the clock.

"I'm sorry we forgot to tell you – we all go to bed early on Tuesday night."

"_What?_ Why?"

"No time to explain," Anakin started pushing him out of the living room. "Hurry! It's urgent!"

"Strange people," he muttered, shaking his head as they vanished to their rooms. Then, remembering his pact with the twins, he pounded on their door. "Not so fast, you two! You need to help me with my nighttime routine!"

Trying to look reluctant, Luke and Leia dragged their feet and followed him down the hall.

Palpatine rubbed his chin while pondering what task to give them. "Drat, I don't really have much of a bedtime routine," he admitted to himself. "All I need is a cup of water to take my sleeping pills. Fetch me a glass!"

They were only too willing to comply. With impressive willpower, they managed to watch him swallow the pills without laughing.

"Here!" he thrust the empty glass at them. "Now begone, so I can change into my pajamas."

"Yes sir!" they saluted in tandem. "Sleep well!"

"Bah, I will once I stop hearing your pesky voices!"

Leaving him to don his sleepwear patterned with skulls and crossbones, the twins stood in the hall and waited. The timing was about the same as the spicy denture reaction. Palpatine nearby tore the bedroom door off its hinges as he charged down the corridor.

"AAAGHH, get it off, GET IT OFF!" he wailed, tearing at his silk pajamas like they were on fire. "It burns! It itches! Make it stop!"

Anakin and Padmé were a little delayed in exiting their room; their hair and clothes were conspicuously tousled when they appeared. Blushing, Padmé hastily smoothed her locks.

"What's the matter?" Anakin fumbled to tie his robe.

"Witchcraft! Sorcery! Voodoo!" the Sith was a jitterbug, trying to scratch his entire body at once.

Anakin turned a weary eye to his children. He didn't even have to ask.

As if the itching powder spectacle wasn't enough, Palpatine's shouts soon grew increasingly incoherent.

"The purple iguana! I _found_ it!" he stared wildly at the ceiling. "Garlic clouds! Floating bus stop! Cactus alphabet! Marshmallow tap shoes!"

"Palpatine, snap out of it! You're hallucinating!" Anakin took him by the shoulders.

"Midget walrus! Twice-baked tree stump! Three-eyed cabbage!" the Sith flung Anakin off, thrashing down the hall. "Mutant waterfall! The square root of potato!"

Out the back door and into a twilit copse of trees he stumbled. The family followed at a fascinated but safe distance, running after him as he approached a shuttle parked behind the trees.

"I – I just remembered, I left a pot of beetles boiling on the stove," he blathered to himself like a mental patient. "Have to get home! Don't want it to burn down! All my heritage furniture… my fine china and tapestries… oh dear…"

He'd locked himself in the cockpit by the time they caught up. Eyes darting frantically and hands pressing every button on the control panel, the Sith engaged the engines. The craft lurched into the sky like a drunken flying dinosaur. Luke and Leia waved cheerfully from below.

"Is he all right to fly?" Padmé sounded dubious.

"Oh, he'll be fine," Anakin dismissed. He was waving too, following the shuttle's path with envious eyes. "Nice ship! It's amazing what some people can afford on government assistance."

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_The end! I had way too much fun with this. I lost track of how many times I degenerated into mad fits of laughter. Nothing like an inane escape to forget your troubles!_


End file.
